The day we met Dream Angus

By Mary Cane:

Dreams to sell, fine dreams to sell,
Angus is here with dreams to sell. 
Hush now wee bairnie and sleep without fear,
For Angus will bring you a dream, my dear.             
– Scots Lullaby

Scotland had Dream Angus before Roald Dahl’s Big Friendly Giant. Angus is the Celtic god of dreams who goes about the country with four birds flying around his head, delivering unsettling dreams of love. Most of us receive dreams that fly higher than our ability to wrestle them into reality. Leaving a rather large office and workroom-tidying job, we drove to Bennachie the other day for a spot of daytime dreaming. We hadn’t been there for a while. Normally as you know there is a breeze, at worst a cold driving drizzle but on that day we were lucky. 

There is a devotional aspect to a summit climb. On Mither Tap cloistered trees open up to a long pious walk. Then over the brow comes the reward of the high altar summit view. Then there is the submissive plod up the slope our heads bent in supplication. While I walked, I was thinking of a friend. From Australia, she came to stay with us along that well-trodden path of forbear searching. A keen reader at home, she like lots of other people, she had discovered the books by Nan Shepherd. She was captivated by those tales of grit and glitter up on the high plateau and dreamed of seeing the place where Nan Shepherd had walked and to feel in a poetic and lyrical way where she ‘entered into the hills’. When she arrived, our friend enjoyed seeing the new slippery five-pound note with Nan’s head on it, but that’s as close to Nan as she got. Knees that so enjoyed reading about the Cairngorms in Melbourne, were completely unable to climb any of the paths to the actual Cairngorms. She could not make her dream of Nan into a reality. Reaching the sanctuary of the barbican entrance to Mither Tap’s inner fortress, I looked back to the west. There was our home parish in the far distance, and if I squinted there were my overcrowded shelves and my worktable. The height gave a better perspective, so they didn’t look so cluttered from up there.  

Lately I have been outwitted by my own things. Travelling can muddle one’s memory and it can take a while to recalibrate. It’s hard to remember the location of the stapler/grater/leaf-blower or even recall what they look like after our long time away in America. This was witnessed by one of our children and I didn’t like the look I saw in his eyes, a mix of LOL and OMG as his mind jumped to a possible future unravelling all our stuff.

Maureen from the Balmedie library has found me a philosophy book where the ‘thingness’ of things is explained.  Things or ‘tings’ from the Scandinavian are what we can experience with our physical selves… a doorway we can go through, a spoon to be touched by hand and lip, or a Balmedie sand dune the grandchildren can slide down. Objects on the other hand, the book ever so quietly confided to me, are things that have ceased to be used. In my home surroundings, objects have accrued and accreted, on floors, on shelves and even in doorways. I leant closer to the book all the better to hear and understand. The ‘thing’ that once beckoned, the philosopher continued as an ‘object’ now blocks… Ah-ha. 

Sitting up there on the volcanic granite plug with tea and cake in the fresh air there was nothing that blocked.  

From that high vantage point none of the A.W.P.R. could be seen but there are stretches that are now linked into a curving pale gash across the county. On the way back down the Devil’s Causeway, I realised that we can be nourished by other people’s journeys so by Hosie’s Well I picked up a small stone to take with me to Melbourne next year. At that moment four black grouse whirred out of the heather, and that’s when we knew Dream Angus was near.

***

About Mary:

Sticks and stones have always held a poetic resonance for me. The first occasion I felt that cock's comb of interest we all have in our heads rise up, was when I was opening a gate. I was at home in Cornwall and helping to bring the cows in one afternoon. The prop I used was covered in dried accretions of small farm muck. 'That's a tine from your great grandfather's 'ay turner’. said Dad, 'It's made of Canadian Redwood’.  

'Goodness me' I thought to myself (or words to that effect) ‘things are not what they seem. They have history and character, a story even’. 

In a lifetime of creative work since, I have preferred the material to the flesh and blood…but shh, that’s a secret I don’t share with everyone. I am drawn to pathetic fallacy, to keeping things, to mending, to protecting the materiality of my world...  family things, tools, objects, furniture and their stories. Where was I? Ah yes the bio. Sixty years later, you find me living in Aberdeen, a PhD student at the Elphinstone Institute (Folklore and Ethnology) researching the part grandmothers play in the passing on of family story when their families live far away. That redwood tine back in Cornwall would be pleased.

Music and Place: ‘Surface Tension’ by Rob St John

By Paul Scraton:

In 2014 the musician, writer and artist Rob St John set off on a year of walking, recording and photographing the Lea Valley in East London. The project was commissioned by the Thames21 Love the Lea charity in order to document the pollution, life and biodiversity of the Lea Valley’s environment. Out of these explorations Rob took with him to his home studio a mix of field recordings, tape loops of guitar, cello and piano melodies – some even deliberately eroded in river water baths – to create an album of electric-pastoral sounds, haunting and melodic, and deeply rooted in place.

The album was called Surface Tension and it was released in 2015 to much acclaim and quickly sold out its original book and CD limited editions. We have long been fans of Rob’s work in general and Surface Tension in particular, and so we were really excited to hear that 2021 would see the re-release of Surface Tension by Blackford Hill in a limited-edition vinyl package including Rob’s 35mm and 120 film photographs and new sleeve notes by writer Richard King and conservationist Benjamin Fenton. 

Added to this is an essay by Rob on how art, ecology and sound were brought together to create Surface Tension. There are only 300 copies available and each record is pressed on eco-mix vinyl using plastic cut-offs from other pressings. This means that each copy is both visually unique and more environmentally friendly than classic record pressings.

You can find out more about Rob’s work and this special edition of Surface Tension, as well as listen to some of the tracks from the album, on the Blackford Hill website. This special edition was released on Friday 14 May and is sure to sell out quickly, so order your copy soon!

The Library: Thin Places by Kerri ní Dochartaigh

By Marcel Krueger:

According to German writer Heinrich Böll (1917-1985) and his "Irish Journal" first published in 1957, "the people of Ireland are the only people in Europe who have never invaded other countries [...]". Since the publication of his book, this view has been the mainstream view of Ireland from Germany for decades, fuelled by countless media campaigns of Fáilte Ireland , the Irish Tourism Board: a twee, harmless island of green fields, dramatic cliffs and pubs with open fires, peopled by jolly fiddlers, naive artists and buxom ginger maidens. The dark and martial history of Ireland as a whole is often swept under the glossy rug made of postcards or Instagram reels from the "Wild Atlantic Way", or only ever mentioned if it can be commodified and packaged into something visitors can consume, like swashbuckling stories of Grace O'Neill or the conflict in Northern Ireland only made accessible through guided tours of murals and "Peace Walls". The fact that Ireland did invade other countries, its soldiers employed as mercenaries by European powers for centuries, or that its people have been slaughtering each other for a hundred years with bullets and bombs, is all glossed over. 

I hope that many people from Germany will read “Thin Places” by Kerri ní Dochartaigh, which in its complexity addresses the violence all over Ireland, and offers a way of understanding and a potential way out of the spiral of violence that engulfed the north of the island for so long. Coincidentally, the German feuilleton often uses the term Seelenstriptease, literally a “soul striptease”, for a work of art, a book, an interview, a movie that reveals deeply personal and intimate details about the creator of that work, or the subject. I don't really like the word, but it is the first I thought about when finishing Kerri's wonderful work, that this book is very much a soul, and a country, stripped bare.

The book is about many things: Brexit, place, trauma, alcoholism, grief, hope and fear, and uses the structure of memoir to follow the life of the writer: from her growing up as the child of a Catholic mother and a Protestant father in Derry/Londonderry, firebombed out of her home during the “Troubles”, the civil war in Northern Ireland between 1969 and 1998, and then moving away to Scotland and England before finally returning to her hometown in her 30s. Whereas the many excellent essay collection that have come out of Ireland in recent years, like Sinéad Gleeson's "Constellations" or Ian Maleney's “Minor Monuments” use personal stories as starting points to establish the theme of single essays, "Thin Places" is a book-length essay in itself, one that drifts of into certain themes but always circles back to the main structure of handling trauma - and failing in doing so.

This is not a book that is easy to read. Not because of the complexity of writing or the darkness it explores, but because it does not offer easy escapism, or just food for thought that makes you utter "Interesting!" and then put it aside. Many things that Kerri writes about in here are so profound and moving that I literally had to pause after a few paragraphs, put the book down and explore what her words had caused inside of me. Sometimes I got confused by the many places and (life) times the author jumps back and forth between, but then the key themes and the overall structure remain clear and always allow the reader to climb back in.   

This island on which I was born is a wild, ancient and stirring place - a place so ethereal as to take a given moment in time and bathe it in the light of something divine, a place that was eternal and holy long before those words ever had need for voicing. [...] Ireland - this ethereal and mythical island, set down in the heart of the ravenous, tumultuous Atlantic Ocean - is black, too, coal-black, as black as to be the making of the crows. Black is the colour of many of our true loves' hairs on this island but it is also the colour of sorrow and fear - of mystery and the unknown, of so much death, and of the unimaginable depths of our grief.

The book ends on a note of hope, with the image of the winter solstice and the conviction that there is always light ahead when it is darkest, but I don't think that that is necessary. Looking at the pictures coming from Northern Ireland in April 2021, it is clear that the important thing here is balance, balance in the peace process and the self. There are only ever small victories possible for all of us, and we have to fight every day so that the needle does not  tilt back to the dark side again. “Thin Places” is a deeply personal work of art and at the same time a timely portrait of the (still) hurting island of Ireland that everyone should read. Especially in Germany.  

***

Thin Places is published by Cannongate.

Marcel Krueger is the Books Editor of Elsewhere: A Journal of Place. His writing has been published in numerous places both online and in print, and he is the author of Babushka’s Journey: The Dark Road to Stalin’s Wartime Camps (I.B. Taurus, 2017) and Iceland: A Literary Guide for Travellers (I.B. Taurus, 2020). You’ll find him on twitter here.

Five Questions for... Tiina Törmänen

Photo: Tiina Törmänen

By Sara Bellini

During the polar night, the sun sets and doesn’t reappear on the horizon for days at end. At the poles this means complete darkness, but in subarctic regions closer to the polar circles it looks more like twilight. In northern Lapland the polar night lasts for almost two months, while in southern Lapland winter days can be as short as 3 hours. In these very short days the light changes fast and it’s quite magical to see the sky reflected in the snow in shades of pink, peach, powder blue, cotton candy, lilac, turquoise, apricot, amaranth, mauve, gold, lavender, cerulean, salmon, seashell... It’s these dreamy landscapes and snowy forests that drew attention to Tiina Törmänen’s photography.

Photo: Tiina Törmänen

Tiina first picked up a camera over twenty years ago, when she was working as a chef in Helsinki, instinctively attracted to documentary and street photography. She eventually went back to her native Lapland, in the north of Finland, and dedicated her artistic practice to the landscapes she had grown up with. Tiina’s creativity brought her to brave the weather conditions in order to capture the natural beauty that exists because them. In the past couple of years her attention has moved towards a different Nordic environment through underwater photography, exploring the abundance of lakes and ponds Finland is famous for and even diving into the Norwegian Sea.

We caught up with Tiina in between two group exhibitions, getting ready for the underwater season: “I got my camera gear updated from Canon 5D Mark IV to the new Canon R5 with Nauticam underwater housing [...] Of course it is always about the eye, not the gear, but at a certain point your skill level gets limited with limited gear. I had Olympus TG-5 and Sony A6500 with me on my underwater exploration so far, so it feels inspiring to have a pro camera with pro housing for my upcoming adventures!” 

Photo: Tiina Törmänen

What does home mean to you? 

It is where your heart is. For me, well... I feel at home almost everywhere if I have a safe and nice place to stay. I travel a lot, so I am used to just being in the moment. But of course, true home is a totally safe place to relax and reload batteries. I would say I have two homes. Our flat with my husband is like an everyday, normal home. Then my true home is our family place with all the land we own. That is a place where I can always return, a place in the middle of nowhere but surrounded with pure nature in the heart of Lapland.  

Which place do you have a special connection to?

I have a special connection to the north, where our home is. I love the nature, woods and waters. My main focus now is exploring northern waters: We have thousands of lakes, ponds and a lot of springs. There are so many underwater gems and I love being able to explore this unseen world. Most of us have seen coral reefs and the beauty of the oceans, but not many have seen the beauty of harsh arctic fresh waters.  

What is beyond your front door?

Forest. 

What place would you most like to visit?

I’d really like to dive into the Arctic Ocean in Greenland. 

What are you reading / watching / listening to right now? 

Things have escalated and I started investing into crypto currencies. I’m spending all my spare time reading and watching trading videos to learn how to become a good trader. I’ve also been learning about the NFT* space and minting my first NFT items.

Tiina Törmänen's Website
Tiina Törmänen's Instagram
Tiina Törmänen's Cryptoart

*Non-fungible tokens are unique digital assets that can be bought, sold and traded like other crypto currencies, but unlike those, they cannot be exchanged like-for-like. NFTs can be anything digital, including drawings, music and other art forms.

Nesting

By Alex Mullarky

***

Have you seen the wild wall

climb the fellside,

border to the clouds

where only the sky-giants' flocks

compete for grazing -

it is a nest, stone by stone

from the riverbed, the quarry

we built it, this is our home.

We do not trespass here

but tread, as we always have

on mossy turf beside sheep.

Shielded by great mountains

above dark hollow lakes,

great cliffs swelling out to the sea -

here we have carved our homes

from the trees, the earth

beneath a grey sky like the birds.

***

Alex Mullarky is a writer from Cumbria, living in Edinburgh by way of Melbourne. She likes to tell stories about adventures with animals and trees, mountains and magic.

Recovered Landscapes

By RÁ Costello:

It is a Tuesday in December. The rain drifting off the Irish Sea washes Dublin in a briny, opaque silence and as I cross Dawson Street, a cyclist plummets past me, like a gannet headed towards the Liffey. I am on my way back again, to the glass case where the Gleninsheen gorget sits, glowing in the dust-heavy air of the national museum. A broad, oxbow-shaped collar made of gold. Hammered into being during the Bronze age, I have been visiting it for as long as I can remember. In Irish, you would say that I am 'gafa leis.’ That something in its form has snagged on my mind. I could not tell you what in it catches me. Except that it was pulled from the rock of my home county. That it is a tangible piece of a landscape I struggle to name. 

Our family home sits on a lip of rock, one of a string of houses perched on the faces of a long line of small mountains which plunge in swollen ripples of limestone into the toss of the Atlantic. ‘Folt fionn na farraige’ the white-crested mane of the ocean.

Arthur Conan Doyle said that limestone landscapes are hollow places, secretive, and this is the kind of landscape where things that do not belong manage to endure. Along the edges of this coast, from Ballyvaughan down through Gleninagh and Murrough to Fanore and Craggagh, up the valleys into Fermoyle and Caher. The Irish language held on. A tongue to itself in an area you could walk across in a day. Enduring in the small community that lived in these pockets of watery rock, where glaciers have stripped the soil away and left the grey limestone ribs of the land exposed. 

As you leave the soft fields of Galway, the first hills of this karst landscape begin to rise suddenly, at Boston – a place whose name is, perhaps, the Anglicised sounding of the Irish Bos Toinne, ‘the palm of the wave’ – named for the scalped shoreline nearby which legend says was stripped clean by a great tsunami. These first hills mark the boundary of the Burren, their peaks picked out against the sky by the lattice of dry-stone walls that run across their peaks.

These stones and fields and crested hills had names once. Not the English names we use now. Names all of their own, with stories to explain them, stories built over centuries as each generation placed their layer on what had been laid down before. These are names hardly anyone knows now. Stories people do not even know they have forgotten. There were once Irish names for the gentians that flower in the warm shadow of a limestone pavement here. Not Irish versions of English names but Irish names which had never heard how English named their flower. And did not care. There was a name for the local practice of wintering cows on the mountain and summering them by the sea. A name for the lakes that bloom, like mercury rising from the low fields, in bad weather. These places had names that told you their history and their nature – cluain, inse, léana. The water meadows, the low-lying grassy places.

National surveys record widespread use of Irish here in the 1930s, yet, two generations later, as I was speaking my first words of Irish, the language had already faded from the landscape of my home. I can count my summers on the rocks of these mountains, but the distancing lens of translation means the knowledge wrapped in its Irish names, is now mostly lost to me. And yet I find I can’t give up on it.  I spend time trying to hunt down scraps of what time has worn off our maps. ‘Sa tóir ar’ I would say in Irish. ‘Sa tóir ar’ - to pursue. Derived of, or maybe simply adjacent to, the middle Irish ‘tóraidhe,’ - a bandit, the pursued. The root from which Tory island off Ireland’s far North-West coast gets its name – the famous home of outlaw pirates, pursued across the sea. The name given to the bands of guerrilla fighters who opposed Cromwell's armies during the seventeenth-century invasion of Ireland, and, by a process of crude association, the political label given to those sympathetic to the Catholic Duke of York at the end of Charles II's reign – The Tories. This is what I am pursuing, I think - these shapeshifting insights that come from the intimacy of knowing a language beyond its constituent parts. The magic of familiarity which can, by a process of consubstantiation, turn a word from a label for those outside the law to the name for those who sought to eradicate the language the outlaws spoke. 

Language and landscape go together here. They hide each other. I find a field that has no English name. But it has an Irish one. Scribbled on the neat, lined pages of a child’s copybook in the national folklore collection is a list of places near the author’s home. Recorded in that golden window when Irish had not yet begun to fade off the landscape. The child’s name attaches her to a house where her family still live. I retrace the directions in her description.

It is late August. Marsh thistles worry my ankles as I cross the wall and into the long grass of a sloping field. Water seeps through my runners as a dun cow and her white calf watch me balefully. A month earlier and I would have been up to my waist in feileastram, the tall canary yellow Iris that grows in wet places around here. Talamh feagacha this kind of land – rushey. Wet footed, I crouch down – listening – because, in Irish, this field is called ‘Poll a’ ceoil.’ The hole of music. And as I squat there, in the silence between cars passing on the narrow road nearby -  I hear it. The rushing softness of water hurrying through some hidden path in a trickle of excited notes. Poll a’ ceoil.

Irish is not made for outsiders – the names it gives things are designed for those who are part of its landscape – internal references made of layers of locality that make them useless for a person who wants a precise co-ordinate, invaluable for those who seek a place. The language will exclude you if you let it but, in its strange acts of micro-identification it gives away the secrets of a landscape that run beneath the surface. Makes it difficult not to inhabit the place you describe.

The Irish poet Biddy Jenkinson refuses to translate her work into English, offering the refusal as a small and deliberate challenge to those who “think everything can be harvested without loss.” So much is lost in harvesting this place as a map of English names. And yet the landscape is sometimes difficult to listen to. There is so much I cannot recover. More silences in the landscape than I will ever fully fill. I look at these hills now and they confront me with a language and a landscape I am clinging on to but know I can never quite claw back. Waving goodbye to the cows, and the field, I clamber back over the stone wall to my bike. Back North-East is Gleninsheen. Ghleann insín, the valley of the small, grassy grazing places. They seem like such small victories, but in each name is a history, a landscape recovered.

***

Róisín Costello is a bilingual writer and academic who lives and works between Dublin and County Clare, Ireland. Róisín writes about the connections between language and landscape, and how to recover feminist understandings of place. Her writing is forthcoming in The Hopper and has been shortlisted for the Bodley Head/ Financial Times essay competition.

On Place and Time

By Ian Grosz:

‘What am I doing here?’ I asked myself, emerging from the trees as the lady from the house whose grounds I was rummaging around in, politely pointed out that while under Scottish laws of trespass I’d every right to be there, I had parked on her lawn. She raised an accusing finger toward my camper van left on a patch of grass clear of what I took to be the entrance to her property and the narrow lane leading up to it. 

I had left the van beyond a large stone wall and gateway that looked to me like an obvious boundary. It’s true I had crossed that boundary on foot to gain access to a ruined mausoleum that lay in the trees just on the other side, and adjacent to the property, but I hadn’t thought the property extended to the mausoleum or the access road leading up to it. I apologised and told her as much by way of inadequate explanation, telling her I’d move the van. She nodded gruffly, turned, and began her long and dignified walk back to her large steel-framed house just visible beyond the trees. 

This was in the tiny farming hamlet of Bethelnie where I’d come to look for the visible traces of lost and half-forgotten histories, a pattern I was beginning to repeat at various places all over Aberdeenshire. Bethelnie, according to the Banffshire courier of December 1893, comes from the word bethnathalan, meaning house of Nathalan because of a church Saint Nathalan is supposed to have established here, after which, the parish of my home turf was once named. The mausoleum still extant houses the medieval remains of the Seton, Urquhart and Meldrum family lines, dynasties that once gave the area its identity and can still be found in its place names. 

All trace of Saint Nathalan’s church has long-since vanished, but his legacy is retained in local folk memory. In the village where I live, there was a public holiday dedicated to him celebrated until the late 19th Century. An ash tree marks the spot where Saint Nathalan is said to have collapsed and died, having become exhausted through ridding the area of a plague by making a circuit of the district’s bounds on his knees, praying to God to spare its inhabitants. Where his staff of ash went into the ground as he fell, a holy spring came forth and an ash tree grew. The tree is known as the Parcock Tree, the current tree planted in the 1990s and replacing a much older tree that was said to have stood for over three-hundred years in the same spot, itself arising from a lineage of trees going back to the time of Nathalan in the Seventh Century. 

The holy spring at the site of the Parcock tree is long-gone, with only the trickling outflow of a drainage pipe that carries the run-off from a small hill nearby in its place. This far from holy water passes under the modern bypass that borders the site of Nathalan’s alleged demise, unlikely to be of any assistance in the modern pandemic that is playing itself out across the world. But up until the mid-twentieth century, local children would go there to play, drawn, perhaps, by the tales of Saint Nathalan and the spring’s legendary healing power. 

Outside the ruined mausoleum, possibly built on the site of Nathalan’s church, erratic gravestones span the 12th through 19th Centuries: layers of time and burial, records of forgotten people with only a long-ago placed stone and a fading inscription to tell us they were once here. Among them is the sad and simple inscription for Isabella Gordon-Hunter who died at the age of three, joined by her parents many years later; the three children of Arthur Sangster and his wife Elizabeth Smith: George aged eighteen, Ann aged eleven and Robert aged just seven years, all dying in the year 1837, perhaps due to the influenza outbreak of that year. The earliest stones, stretching back into the 12th Century, are barely readable. 

Stood amongst the trees and the graves, I felt I was intruding on not only the privacy of the property owners, but on the silent, layered gathering of the dead. Their witness to time’s unstoppable cruelty felt pressing. How many lives have passed and never been known? How many absences are there in our histories? What is so compelling about these absences? Why is it that what is not there, what is not known, is more compelling than what is? Is it simply mystery: our innate curiosity that always seeks out a puzzle? Or is it something else? 

Perhaps it is simply the knowledge that something was but is no longer. Through living inside of time – constrained by it – comes a need to try to reach the past, to somehow gain a tangible sense of a larger and continual process of collective loss from the landscape. But what is it I hope to gain by visiting the ghost-sites of these places? Is there some secret message to be found in picking up on their atmosphere, their mood, their sense of place, as though the air or the ground, the trees, the crumbling walls, the grave stones, might be encoded with a form of language that, if not difficult to discern, is like the sighting of a ghost itself: quite probably just a figment of imagination? Is there some additional information available that cannot be gleaned from a map and google? 

Presence in absence - knowledge of what was - however that’s communicated, imbues the landscape through a combination of imagination and literal sense. But what is it that we sense? We sense the air, feel the breeze on our faces, see the same contours in the hills and fields that others now absent once did, and this connects us through imagination. We begin to sense that the past is somehow more present, as though almost coexisting alongside our own time. It is like standing on the far side of a precipice that we wish to cross, and find there is a half-standing bridge that, while it doesn’t allow us to cross fully to the other side, closes some of the gap, brings the two sides of the divide closer together. 

In the book Senses of Place, the philosopher Edward Casey tells us that ‘space and time come together in place,’ by which he means that places are defined by event. They are simultaneously the where and when of things, and in this way they draw space and time into them. Experiencing them brings us closer to those who went before. We see their absence, but we feel their presence. We begin to hear their voices across the precipice of their time and ours. Perhaps it is time itself that I am grappling with, finding its most poignant expression in place, the unstoppable forward motion through which we perceive the world leaving me with a feeling of wanting to hold on to time, to pause and to dwell outside of its relentless march. 

***

Ian Grosz is a writer based in Scotland. He draws largely from the landscape for his work and as well as previously featuring on Elsewhere, is published across a range of magazines, journals and anthologies both in print and online. He is currently working on a non-fiction book project exploring how landscapes help to shape a sense of place and identity.

False Mountain

By LJ Kessels:

When I think of the word mountain, I think of home. Which is ironic, as I come from the Netherlands, from Limburg in the south, the dangling leg bit, treated by the rest of the country as its forlorn relative, with a funny accent, customs, and catholicism. It is a place of poverty, corruption, melancholy, and exuberance. An exuberance generally described as bourgondisch, in reference to the enjoyment of life, wine and hearty food. The people in Limburg are an alienated people, both from one town to the next, and then together, against ‘The Hollanders’.

In the south of Limburg is the Vaalserberg, a hill just over 300 metres above sea level and the highest point in mainland Netherlands. Vaals sounds like False, or the Dutch word ‘vaal’ meaning less bright or washed out, like a shirt that was washed too many times. There are stories that the hill used to be higher, but that it sank due to mining activities underneath it. In actuality it was first mentioned in 1041, and comes from the latin in Vallis, meaning in the valley. Due to the run of history three countries (Belgium, Germany, and The Netherlands) claim part of the Vaalserberg. 

Nevertheless, it was the highest ‘mountain’ in the Netherlands, until this source of pride was taken in 2010 with the dissolution of the Netherlands Antilles. The Caribbean island of Saba was incorporated into the Netherlands and with it Mount Scenery , nearly 900m above sea level and the new highest point on Dutch soil.

I only went to the Vaalserberg once, my roots are more towards the ‘armpit’ of the province, in the swampland of The Peel. I grew up in Nederweert-Eind,  a small village, close to the city of Weert. In Dutch, Weert is a piece of low land surrounded by water. During 1944 Nederweert-Eind was the front line of the war, and completely shot to bits. So much so that when my step-grandmother arrived in the village after the war, she described it as the place where the world literally had ended. 

I like that story as it describes what it felt like growing up there: life was flat and bleak, stuck in the cyclical nature that comes with life in the countryside. A life that echoed the seasons: work, eat, sleep, repeat. After Christmas comes Carnival, after Lent comes Easter. The summer ends with a fair. Repeat. For some it is reassuring, for others it gives them the feeling there is no way out. Of never making it to higher ground. 

The first question people ask around there is where are you one of? What family do you belong to? You don’t answer with your surname, as that is only how you are ‘written’, in reference to the time of Napoleon where people had to ‘pick’ a surname. Instead, you provide your family nickname. This can be a name referring back to the old family homestead, an infamous character in a family's history, or (as in my case), just a succession of patriarchs. Like an instant family tree. 

As a kid I told my teacher, I could not wait to be older, have my own place, and be able to make ends meet. I had more ambition than small town life, where everyone knew everyone’s business all of the time. I felt alienated in that place. My first escape attempt came when I decided to move to Amsterdam at 18 and study philosophy. For the daughter of a working class, illiterate single father, this was unheard of. All of a sudden I became a person. I was no longer the daughter of so-and-so, or the little sister of so-and-so. I was taken out of my context, where everyone knew your entire family history by simply knowing what family I belonged to. For everyone I met, I was the single point of reference, and became my own person. This became more clear to me the moment someone had asked me to spell my surname. A strange question when you grew up in a place where nearly every third person has the same surname. Then my second attempt to escape came in 2016, when I boarded a train with two bags and a bike, and moved to Berlin.

Remember my step-grandmother who arrived at the village of my childhood shortly after WWII? A war-torn place in the throws of trying to (re-)build. Another aspect to this story is that she was in her early thirties when she arrived at this place, around the same age I am now. She had met a widower with seven children, and decided to leave the comfort of her family home, to move to a small village, and become a mother to a brood of traumatised children. She would remain there, mainly accompanied by her mentally disabled step-daughter, until she got too old, placed into a care home, and died not long after.

Life goes on, up and down, like the outline of a mountain. Wanting to climb it, also means the risk of falling down. Something that in a flat country, where I might have stayed, rarely happens. As a reminder of my own ambition I have a tattoo of a mountain on my forearm. To give myself a push. For when I’m afraid. To remind me to listen to my own saboteur. To push myself further and not fall down the valley, or sink back into the muddy waters. 

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LJ Kessels is a writer based in Berlin, Germany. She has a MA in Philosophy from the University of Amsterdam and has worked for various (film) festivals, events and whatchamacallits across Europe. Her work has previously been published in Bull & Cross, OF ZOOS, and Stadtsprachen Magazin.